Die With A Smile

Cecilia Evoy
Illustration by Jahan, Polina and Deangelo 
Title Illustrations by Kardelen and Clayton

            Samara sat on the balcony of her apartment, gazing down at the tree in front of her. The leaves had taken on the colours of the sun, and were dancing gently in the breeze. Brody, Samara's German shepherd was sleeping on the bench beside her. Samara gently stroked Brody's thick fur. Samara loved fall, it was when all her favourite colours presented themselves, and the weather was more comfortable than the rest of the year.

            Samara checked her watch. It was five pm. Time to leave for the hospital. She ushered Brody back inside, grabbing her car keys and sun glasses. Samara locked her door behind her to the sound of Brody's sad whimpers. She trotted down the steps and into the garage. Samara loved driving. She loved having her windows down and feeling her red hair blowing in the wind. She loved turning on her radio and singing along. It gave her a sense of freedom, knowing she could go anywhere at any time without a second thought. Driving through the city she weaved in and out of other cars, tapping on the steering wheel to the beat of the music. It was an unfortunately short drive to the hospital, and it seemed like only seconds before she was pulling into the parking lot. The hospital was tall and white, with paint chipping in large chunks from brick. She could see Several patients in a group outside, an orderly watching them closely and they briskly and restlessly walked around the grassy part of the yard. She turned off the car and pulled out her cell. No messages. Samara scanned the area and got out of the car. Impatiently, she toyed with her sunglasses, then her hair, then her keys, checking her watch repeatedly. It seemed like each minute was taking an hour. Samara had never been the type who enjoyed waiting. She liked to be busy, always on the move. She'd had many a success that way. She blew through high school, never handing an assignment in late. She graduated early from university, having done several classes every summer. She got her first post-grad job thanks to many internships. Samara didn't feel valuable unless busy.

            A loud crash of a door slamming rang through the air and Samara quickly turned, a large grin her face.

            “Alicia!” Samara called out and began walking toward her friend. Alicia had a sour look that didn't change as she approached Samara, who gathered Alicia in her arms, squeezing the fragile girl as tightly as she dared. Samara could feel Alicia tense, but eventually she gave in and reciprocated the embrace. “Jesus, Alicia,” Samara remarked, pulling away but still holding on to her friend, “I feel like I haven't seen you in forever!” Alicia wiggled away from her and walked to the passenger side of Samara's car. For as long as Samara could remember, Alicia had hated being touched. Samara was the only one allowed to show her any physical intimacy.

            “Y'know, it's only been three weeks. And you could have visited me,” Alicia said, climbing awkwardly into the car. Samara got in the driver's seat, ignoring Alicia's hostile tone.

            “You said you didn't want me to. And anyway, three weeks is a long time. I don't think we've ever gone more than two days without seeing each other before.”

            “Not true. Whenever you had exams, you'd disappear for a good week.” Alicia fiddled with the radio as Samara pulled out of the parking lot.

            “Yeah, but we still talked a lot. Where do you wanna go?” Samara glanced at Alicia. She looked thinner than before. Emptier. It looked like whatever they did to her in there hadn't worked. It looked like whatever they had done had pulled out what had been left of her. Alicia shifted uncomfortably.

            “I've been in a fuckin' mental ward for three weeks. Take me somewhere with no walls.” Samara nodded and started driving west, to one of their old haunts.

            “I think there's a drive-thru Tim's around here... wanna go?” Samara asked, already knowing the answer was yes. Alicia was the one who had caused Samara's dependance on caffeine. Alicia had begun drinking coffee at twelve - a year after the two had met - to help her with her sudden decrease in sleep. Samara started having a similar problem in high school. She and Alicia would stay up late into the night, watching the moon make her daily trip across the sky as they talked quietly on the phone. Samara had too much energy to sleep. So when she began having moments of utter exhaustion during the day, Alicia started sharing the coffee she brought in a thermos. Samara asked Alicia one day why she couldn't sleep.

            “I can't stop thinking.” Alicia had replied. Samara nodded in recognition.

            “That's why I can't, either.” Samara had been surprised when Alicia had laughed at her. It was a genuine laugh, too, not one of her usual sarcastic ones.

            “No, Sam. It isn't he same.” Samara never understood what the difference had been.

Samara pulled into the drive-thru of the coffee shop. She placed her order and waited as the line of cars in front of her seemed to stand still.

            “Your roots are showing,” Alicia said. Samara checked in her mirror.

            “Yeah. I gotta get my hair done this weekend,” she said. Alicia shrugged.

            “I'll do it. I always do.”

            “I didn't think you'd feel up to it.” Samara said, frowning as she inched her car as far forward as she could.

            ”I think I can dye your hair, Sam. I gotta do mine too anyway.” Alicia inspected the end of her black hair.

            “Why do you dye your hair? It looks the same.”

            “It doesn't. There's a difference in the sun.”

            “You're never in the sun, Lish.” Samara laughed. She caught the hint of a grin pulling on the corner of Alicia's mouth.

            “Well, on the few days a year I do leave my cave, I like my hair to perfectly reflect my soul.” Samara giggled and swatted at Alicia.

            “Whatever, man. Oh, thank god, we're up.” Samara took her order and paid, then sped off back onto the road.

            “Where are we going?” Alicia asked, sinking into her seat.

            “You can't guess? We're close.”

            “I dunno. The lake?” Samara nodded. They'd spent a good part of their friendship at the portion of the lake that connected to a large park. The area had a magic to it that hadn't left, even as they slowly became adults. Largely uninhabited, it was filled with climbing trees, streams, bridges, and hidden pathways. Samara felt the familiar nostalgia creep into her bones as she pulled into the parking lot. She had barely stopped the car before Alicia had leapt out of her seat, slammed the car door, and stared in the direction Samara knew she wanted to go. As soon as Samara's door closed, Alicia set off. Samara smiled and followed.

            The season had transformed the park again. Leaves carpeted the ground, making pleasant crunching sounds as the girls stepped on them. The path they walked along lead them past an empty pond that was usually filled with ducks. The squirrels that scampered along the ground had grown fat, readying themselves for the long winter ahead. They passed the tree Samara had fallen out of eight years ago, breaking her ankle for the first time.

            They reached the lake. Waves were gently enveloping the boulders nearest the water. Alicia walked to the beginning of a port created by large rocks, that extended a long way into the water. Samara deftly climbed behind Alicia, watching her friend struggle along with her head down, carefully stepping from rock to rock. Samara hopped slowly, keeping pace with Alicia. It wasn't long before they reached the end of the expanse of rocks. Alicia stood on the farthest rock out, still and straight-backed. She stared into the water with such a ferocity that it made Samara nervous. She inched forward, ready to grab her friend.

            “Should... should you be here right now, Lish?” Alicia turned her head and, for a second, Samara saw the happier girl she had known many years ago. The crinkle in Alicia's eyes passed so quickly Samara wondered if she'd only imagined it.

            “I'm not going to leap off and drown myself, Sam.” Then, more quietly as she turned away, “Not in front of you.” Alicia climbed down the edge of the rock formation, settling herself on the lowest one she could be on while still escaping being touched by the waves. Samara lowered herself onto the rock beside Alicia.  Alicia dug through the black satchel she brought everywhere with her, pulling out a squished pack of cigarettes, offering one to Samara. Smoking was another habit Samara had picked up from Alicia. Alicia said they calmed her nerves, Samara smoked to give her hands and lips something to do.

            “Fuck I missed these. Y'know, I had to ration the fuck out of these when I was in the hospital. I only had the packs you brought me in the beginning. Feels fuckin' good to know I can finish this without worrying.” Alicia said. Samara leaned back against the rocks.

            “What was it like?” She asked. Alicia was silent for a moment, contemplating the smoke that rose in tendrils from her cigarette.

            “It was quiet, mostly. I mean, some of the other people there had outbursts or talked loudly and stuff, but... it wasn't like out here. Y'know? It was quiet. And lonely. Everyone had different problems and we were all kind of smashed together and expected to get on. I don't know. I didn't really like anyone there.”

            “What did you do in there?” Samara reached over to Alicia, tugging a loose string from her shirt. Alicia watched her.

            “Therapy. Lots of therapy. Individual, group, art, music, exercise... It was like a fucking orgy of therapy. Everyone fucking with every one else's minds. They said they were trying to get to know us, help us, whatever. Didn't help me any to be treated like some fucking animal on display for its oddities.” Alicia's tone was harsh and hostile. Samara watched her toss a pebble into the water with a weak arm.

            “You don't feel any better?” Samara asked.

            “Nope. Why should I? They pumped me full of chemicals and picked out my brain.”

            Samara brushed a strand of hair from her face and sat up again. She brought her knees to her chest and flicked the ashes from her cigarette into the lake.

            “Remember that time I convinced you to skip school in grade ten?” Alicia asked, her tone lighter than before. Samara giggled.

            “Yes! They called your house, looking for me! I got in so much shit from my mom.”

            “I know. You made me stay on the phone while she yelled at you.”

            “How did you always get away with skipping?”

            Alicia shrugged, “I was never a good student like you. They didn't really care if I was there.” Alicia's voice became quiet again. Samara sighed for her friend. She knew that was true. Samara had always been a good student. She strived for good grades, she was in a bunch of clubs, helped with many events. Whenever she was away sick, she was always greeted with a 'we missed you' from the teachers when she came back. Alicia was different. Alicia hadn't cared about her grades since middle school. She barely passed her classes, often only pulling a fifty. Almost always her grade was only that high because Samara did many of her assignments for her. Alicia was only at school on the three days a week Samara didn't have extra curricular activities at lunch. The school they went to had threatened many times to kick Alicia out, but had never followed through. When Samara and Alicia graduated, Alicia was one of the very few in their year not to go on to post secondary or an apprenticeship. She stayed at home for another two years, doing nothing, until she got a job in a record store where she made minimum wage, but had full time hours. Samara had watched helplessly as Alicia was stuck in this holding pattern. Alicia had always been sad and tired and cynical, but over the last two years, Samara had seen that sadness grow and evolve, ever changing in its shape. Sometimes it was an intense anger that had Alicia throwing punches at strangers, while Samara struggled to hold the tiny girl back. Sometimes it was a heavy sadness that wouldn't let Alicia get out of bed. Sometimes, rarely, it was a burst of energy that had Alicia walking all over the city in the middle of the night, looking for the end of the world. Samara never really knew what to do with Alicia, how to help her, so she mainly just stayed with her and kept her from doing anything too dangerous.

            “Why'd you do it?” Samara asked before she could stop herself. Alicia's eyebrow raised.

            “Do what? Try to kill myself?”

            “Yeah.”

            “You can say it, y'know. I don't know. I just... it's hard to explain.” Alicia replied. Samara frowned.

            “Try. I want to know.” Alicia gave her an annoyed look and took a deep breath.

            “Nothing mattered anymore.” Alicia said with a shrug.

            “What does that even mean?” Samara asked impatiently. She wasn't used to having Alicia dodge her questions. They told each other everything.

            “Well... you know... you know how you were happy in university? How you felt like you were working toward something? Well, I feel the opposite. I feel like nothing I do means anything. Like... like there's no reason to do anything. No reason to exist.”

            “That's ridiculous,” Samara interrupted. “Everyone has a reason to exist. You're just choosing not to have one. You can go back to school or something, get your grades up so you can go to college.”

            “No, it's not like that. It isn't like I'm choosing to not have meaning, there is no meaning. We're all going to die anyway, and then what? We'll leave a legacy? We'll leave our blood? Our names? So what if we do? I'll be dead! I won't know and won't care about what I did here, 'cause I won't exist! It means nothing to do something with your life because the second you die, it's all void. I won't get to take any of that with me, won't get to experience the effect of it, of me, so it means nothing. Everything I do means nothing!” Alicia's face was flushed. She had been throwing her hands around during her soliloquy. Samara's face twisted into a frown.

            “So you tried to kill yourself... because you won't exist when you die?” Alicia rolled her eyes.

            “You make it sound so cheap. I tried to kill myself because I couldn't deal with the idea of going through sixty or more years of pain and trials and bullshit, and have it all mean absolutely nothing.”

            “But you didn't use to feel like that! You used to have fun and be happy! Remember when we went to Montreal when you finally turned eighteen? You had a great time! We didn't ever wanna leave, you especially!”

            “Yeah, because it was an escape from the day-to-day drone of life here. The repetition that traps us into these terrible lives. And... I know I used to be happy, Sam. But I just hadn't realized it yet. I was ignorant of this emptiness.”

            “Well, can't you just... find meaning? Change the way you think? Start believing in something?” Samara asked. She couldn't understand Alicia's dismay. The idea of non-existence never scared Samara. She knew that she would make a contribution that would change the world, even if only in the smallest way imaginable. That was more than enough for her. Why wasn't it for Alicia?

            “Could you stop believing there's meaning? Could you change the way you think?” Samara considered it.

            “Well, maybe it's easier to fill an emptiness than it is to create one.”

            “Is it?” Alicia asked. Samara didn't answer. Samara could see Alicia's eyes become glossy with tear.

            “You know,” Alicia choked out, “my mother said when she found me in the bathroom, I was smiling. I think that was the first time I'd smiled in a month.” Samara hurt for her friend but she didn't know what to say. She grabbed Alicia's and tightly, and for once Alicia didn't pull away.

            The girls stayed on the rocks a while longer as the sun began creeping down into the horizon. They sat in comfortable silences, thinking their own thoughts. When the sun threatened to disappear, the duo made their way back to Samara's car. Once inside of it and out of the quickly chilling air, Alicia's mood seemed to improve.

            “You should come to therapy with me some time. See how stupid my therapist is. That guy is a joke,” Alicia said, rolling up her window. Samara laughed, “No, really! He keeps wanting me to talk about my childhood and latches on to the stupidest shit! Like my dog who ran away, we spent an entire hour talking about that! Remember, Lucy?”

            “Yeah,” Samara confirmed.

            “Yeah. I got to watch a lot of TV in there. Have you seen the new season of the Walking Dead?” Alicia asked.

            “Yes! Don't you fucking love Rick this season?”

            “Ha, no. I could pass on him. I liked him best season two.”

            Samara pulled up in front of Alicia's apartment. Alicia stirred but made no move to leave the car.

            “I am glad I saw you. I missed you a lot, Sam.” Alicia said. Samara smiled at her friend and reached out, grabbing her in a hug. This time Alicia hugged back right away.

            “I missed you too, Lish. Don't do it again, okay? I don't think I can go another three weeks without complaining to you about traffic.” Alicia laughed, loudly.

            “I won't. Listen, call me when you get home, okay?” Alicia said, climbing out of the car. Samara smiled.

            “Of course. Talk to you soon!” She called, as Alicia walked up her steps. Samara watched her friend disappear into her doorway before tuning her car back on. She was worried for Alicia, but she was sure it wasn't anything Alicia couldn't pull through. Samara knew the only reason Alicia had gotten as bad as she did was because Samara didn't know what was happening. Now that she knew, she was sure she could help her friend. She knew that Alicia wouldn't give up on her. Her meds would kick in and she would realize how big of a mistake she had made when she'd tried to kill herself. Even Alicia's new disbelief in meaning could be helped. She'd felt meaning before, she could feel it again.

            Samara turned the radio back on. It was still on the station Alicia had turned it to. Samara flipped through the stations, but there was nothing on she wanted to listen to. She stuck her hand in the bag she'd tossed on her passenger seat. She rooted around for the CD case she'd dumped in there that morning. It was a mix tape she'd made of her favourite songs from university.

            “Jesus, where is it.” Samara mumbled to herself. She lifted the top of the bag and smiled when she spotted the CD case.

            Alicia stomped up the stairs to her apartment. She wasn't sure how she was going to pay the rent after not going to work for three weeks. She'd probably have to borrow money from her mother again. When she got to her front door, she stopped, leaning her head against it. It was like she didn't have any energy anymore. Even before she was in the looney bin, for months it felt like there was a cinderblock on both of her shoulders, keeping her down and making her drag her feet. It had gotten a little better. It less heavy now that she was breathing fresh air laced with nicotine, but she was terrified the weight would always be there.

            After a moment, Alicia unlocked her front door. She flipped on the light in her hallway and pulled her pack of smokes out of her bag before dumping the satchel on the ground. She kept the lights off in her living room as she wandered into it, even though it was difficult to see. She made her way to the window that faced the front of her building, grabbing an ash tray from the table and resting it on the window sill. When she glanced outside she saw Samara's car still parked on the street. Alicia felt the urge to smile, but didn't. She was glad to see her best friend again, but there was something bitter sweet to the reunion. Samara had always seemed to understand Alicia, and Alicia's pain, but not today. Alicia knew Samara wasn't the type to dwell on the idea of death, or to really let much bother her at all. But she was the one person Alicia could talk to without being judged, and yet Samara didn't understand this time. Alicia knew it wasn't fair, but she felt betrayed by this. With a heavy sigh Alicia turned away from the window and leaned against the wall. She waited for the sound of Samara's car pulling away, but instead heard a loud squeal of tires and a prolonged honk. Just as Alicia turned to see what was happening, a crash permeated through the air. Alicia gaped at the sight of Samara's car, flipped and entangled with a truck. Alicia was frozen as she watched people spill from their homes and rush to the cars. Alicia could see someone opening Samara's door, and pulling out her friend's unmoving body. Alicia's cigarette fell from her limp fingers.